I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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