The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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