she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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