I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
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Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize