I think I won the penis lottery.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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