i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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