the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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