I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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