i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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