Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
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We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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