his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
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Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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