smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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