Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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