i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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