well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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