they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
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No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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