I faked an abortion last night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
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You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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