You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We're too hungover to prance.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize