Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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