Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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