Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
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i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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