Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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