Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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