So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
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This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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