Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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