I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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