i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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