Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
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I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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