My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
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Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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