ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
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Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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