i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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