Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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