Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize