I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
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I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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