so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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