Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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