the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
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Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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