I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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