I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
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