By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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