Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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