I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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