batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
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The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
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You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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