My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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