I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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