my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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