You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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