If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize