If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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