I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
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Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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